After yesterday’s appointment with my Endo, I saw my cautious optimism become a distant memory. Despite what my meter and sensor data suggest, my A1c was a still-too-high 7.0. Not only that, I’ve gained almost 10 pounds in three months. Needless to say, I spent the first half of the appointment in tears. Why, after everything I’ve done, is my A1c still high? Why does my meter and sensor data suggest that I’m hovering right around 6? Why can’t I rely on one versus the other? And why the hell am I packing on the pounds?
Once I finally calmed down enough to actually listen to my doctor (I wasn’t in hysterics or anything, just upset), we talked about Symlin. A big part of my problem with blood sugar is that I’m a yo-yo. I’ll eat a meal, bolus accordingly, and still spike to over 300. Naturally, I correct, but then I’ll drop like a stone a few hours later. He said that Symlin should help even me out and reduce the need for correction doses hours later. Since an added bonus to Symlin is decreased appetite and weight loss, he thought I should give it a try.
As I’ve written before, I struggle with diabulimia. After I left my doctor’s office, there was a big (very big) voice inside my head that screamed “just take the stupid pump off. It’s not working anyway. Besides, you’re never going to be able to have kids, so at least you could be thin.” Why do I do this to myself? Why are we so obsessed with weight that I feel enormous pressure to lose what I’ve gained? Why does my mother think that being thin is more important than being healthy? Why, despite what my doctor has repeatedly said, does my mother think that I’m diabetic because of my weight, and that it will simply go away if I’m a size 2? And, why do I care so much what my mother thinks?
After telling this voice to shut up, I filled the Symlin script and went home. I didn’t use it last night or this morning just in case I had nausea. I’m going to start it with dinner tonight and see how it goes. Wish me luck.
Once I finally calmed down enough to actually listen to my doctor (I wasn’t in hysterics or anything, just upset), we talked about Symlin. A big part of my problem with blood sugar is that I’m a yo-yo. I’ll eat a meal, bolus accordingly, and still spike to over 300. Naturally, I correct, but then I’ll drop like a stone a few hours later. He said that Symlin should help even me out and reduce the need for correction doses hours later. Since an added bonus to Symlin is decreased appetite and weight loss, he thought I should give it a try.
As I’ve written before, I struggle with diabulimia. After I left my doctor’s office, there was a big (very big) voice inside my head that screamed “just take the stupid pump off. It’s not working anyway. Besides, you’re never going to be able to have kids, so at least you could be thin.” Why do I do this to myself? Why are we so obsessed with weight that I feel enormous pressure to lose what I’ve gained? Why does my mother think that being thin is more important than being healthy? Why, despite what my doctor has repeatedly said, does my mother think that I’m diabetic because of my weight, and that it will simply go away if I’m a size 2? And, why do I care so much what my mother thinks?
After telling this voice to shut up, I filled the Symlin script and went home. I didn’t use it last night or this morning just in case I had nausea. I’m going to start it with dinner tonight and see how it goes. Wish me luck.
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